When at the end of myself....I was unable to think or function on
my own. Not all times were times of extreme suffering, but in my life
many have been.
It's been a peeling away of things...some good and some not so good.
As I reflect, every dark night has produced a better me.
God
heals my soul not in the doing, but in the being with HIM. God loved me
so much He took me into the dark night so I would learn not to depend
on feelings or other external things, but to live a life of simple trust
(still learning). Looking back, I recognize I've grown through the pain
while standing in the muck.
I'm learning to face adversity looking for
what God is going to do instead of looking at the mess.
Initially,
I don't like a "new mess," but after a brief temper tantrum with God
I'm beginning to say, "Lord, this is a mess and I can't wait to see what
You are going to do."
I'm learning to
wait on God's goodness and perfect timing. My feelings are superficial and limited. I
like feelings and emotion, but my love and my relationship with God goes far
deeper than feelings. He is fully present with me whether I feel Him or
not and I need to be okay with that.
I
want to live a life worthy of God's calling....I want to be deliberate,
but I struggle. When I'm able to see the good in any given mess I'm able
to receive His peace. Eventually, I'm able to find purpose in the pain.
I'm
learning to lean into God even on days when I can't see or feel
Him.....trusting Him when it doesn't make sense by earthly
standards or views.....and waiting on God when I don't want to (probably
the hardest).
The souls heartbeat and
breath never stops. One day we transition to eternity and I'm thankful
I've seen and observed God in this moment in the lives of others. Yet, I
feel as though I was a bit of an intruder whose brushed the garment of
the Lord.
There have been times I've slept
with my bible, yet I couldn't think enough to read it. Doing so
represented in some way the only hope I could cling to. During those
times I couldn't feel God or see Him......or even comprehend how things
could be better much less "right." I know God was working....I can now
look back and see that.
The things I
sought to hold onto during the dark night were peeled away and I don't miss them anymore.....well, accept my memory and I'm still working on
being okay with that one. I'm praising GOD for what He has given me back
and leaving my focus there rather than on the times I struggle. I'm
learning to be okay with God's plan. I hope to one day be able to trust
God as easily as I breath.......every time I think about "trusting"
God...I think about breathing.....constant, steady, smooth, and
peaceful....a divine rhythm of Holy God living in us.
"4 1-3 In
light of all this, here’s what I want you to do. While I’m locked up
here, a prisoner for the Master, I want you to get out there and
walk—better yet, run!—on the road God called you to travel. I don’t want
any of you sitting around on your hands. I don’t want anyone strolling
off, down some path that goes nowhere. And mark that you do this with
humility and discipline—not in fits and starts, but steadily, pouring
yourselves out for each other in acts of love, alert at noticing
differences and quick at mending fences.
4-6 You
were all called to travel on the same road and in the same direction,
so stay together, both outwardly and inwardly. You have one Master, one
faith, one baptism, one God and Father of all, who rules over all, works
through all, and is present in all. Everything you are and think and do
is permeated with Oneness.7-13 But that doesn’t mean you should all look and speak and act the same. Out of the generosity of Christ, each of us is given his own gift. The text for this is,
He climbed the high mountain,
He captured the enemy and seized the booty,
He handed it all out in gifts to the people.
He captured the enemy and seized the booty,
He handed it all out in gifts to the people.
Is
it not true that the One who climbed up also climbed down, down to the
valley of earth? And the One who climbed down is the One who climbed
back up, up to highest heaven. He handed out gifts above and below,
filled heaven with his gifts, filled earth with his gifts. He handed out
gifts of apostle, prophet, evangelist, and pastor-teacher to train
Christ’s followers in skilled servant work, working within Christ’s
body, the church, until we’re all moving rhythmically and easily with
each other, efficient and graceful in response to God’s Son, fully
mature adults, fully developed within and without, fully alive like
Christ.
14-16 No
prolonged infancies among us, please. We’ll not tolerate babes in the
woods, small children who are an easy mark for impostors. God wants us
to grow up, to know the whole truth and tell it in love—like Christ in
everything. We take our lead from Christ, who is the source of
everything we do. He keeps us in step with each other. His very breath
and blood flow through us, nourishing us so that we will grow up healthy
in God, robust in love." Ephesians 4:1-16 The Message
By HIS mercy and in the grip of HIS grace,
Andrea Bowling Perdue
