A Dark Night~Journal Notes

When at the end of myself....I was unable to think or function on my own. Not all times were times of extreme suffering, but in my life many have been.

It's been a peeling away of things...some good and some not so good.

As I reflect, every dark night has produced a better me.

God heals my soul not in the doing, but in the being with HIM. God loved me so much He took me into the dark night so I would learn not to depend on feelings or other external things, but to live a life of simple trust (still learning). Looking back, I recognize I've grown through the pain while standing in the muck. 

 

I'm learning to face adversity looking for what God is going to do instead of looking at the mess.

Initially, I don't like a "new mess," but after a brief temper tantrum with God I'm beginning to say, "Lord, this is a mess and I can't wait to see what You are going to do."

I'm learning to wait on God's goodness and perfect timing. My feelings are superficial and limited. I like feelings and emotion, but my love and my relationship with God goes far deeper than feelings. He is fully present with me whether I feel Him or not and I need to be okay with that.

I want to live a life worthy of God's calling....I want to be deliberate, but I struggle. When I'm able to see the good in any given mess I'm able to receive His peace. Eventually, I'm able to find purpose in the pain.

I'm learning to lean into God even on days when I can't see or feel Him.....trusting Him when it doesn't make sense by earthly standards or views.....and waiting on God when I don't want to (probably the hardest).

The souls heartbeat and breath never stops. One day we transition to eternity and I'm thankful I've seen and observed God in this moment in the lives of others. Yet, I feel as though I was a bit of an intruder whose brushed the garment of the Lord.

There have been times I've slept with my bible, yet I couldn't think enough to read it. Doing so represented in some way the only hope I could cling to. During those times I couldn't feel God or see Him......or even comprehend how things could be better much less "right." I know God was working....I can now look back and see that.

The things I sought to hold onto during the dark night were peeled  away and I don't miss them anymore.....well, accept my memory and I'm still working on being okay with that one. I'm praising GOD for what He has given me back and leaving my focus there rather than on the times I struggle. I'm learning to be okay with God's plan. I hope to one day be able to trust God as easily as I breath.......every time I think about "trusting" God...I think about breathing.....constant, steady, smooth, and peaceful....a divine rhythm of Holy God living in us.

"4 ^1-3 In light of all this, here’s what I want you to do. While I’m locked up here, a prisoner for the Master, I want you to get out there and walk—better yet, run!—on the road God called you to travel. I don’t want any of you sitting around on your hands. I don’t want anyone strolling off, down some path that goes nowhere. And mark that you do this with humility and discipline—not in fits and starts, but steadily, pouring yourselves out for each other in acts of love, alert at noticing differences and quick at mending fences.

^4-6 You were all called to travel on the same road and in the same direction, so stay together, both outwardly and inwardly. You have one Master, one faith, one baptism, one God and Father of all, who rules over all, works through all, and is present in all. Everything you are and think and do is permeated with Oneness.
^7-13 But that doesn’t mean you should all look and speak and act the same. Out of the generosity of Christ, each of us is given his own gift. The text for this is,

He climbed the high mountain,
He captured the enemy and seized the booty,
He handed it all out in gifts to the people.

Is it not true that the One who climbed up also climbed down, down to the valley of earth? And the One who climbed down is the One who climbed back up, up to highest heaven. He handed out gifts above and below, filled heaven with his gifts, filled earth with his gifts. He handed out gifts of apostle, prophet, evangelist, and pastor-teacher to train Christ’s followers in skilled servant work, working within Christ’s body, the church, until we’re all moving rhythmically and easily with each other, efficient and graceful in response to God’s Son, fully mature adults, fully developed within and without, fully alive like Christ.

^14-16 No prolonged infancies among us, please. We’ll not tolerate babes in the woods, small children who are an easy mark for impostors. God wants us to grow up, to know the whole truth and tell it in love—like Christ in everything. We take our lead from Christ, who is the source of everything we do. He keeps us in step with each other. His very breath and blood flow through us, nourishing us so that we will grow up healthy in God, robust in love." Ephesians 4:1-16 The Message

By HIS mercy and in the grip of HIS grace,

Andrea Bowling Perdue